How to Become Unoffendable

It's 6:50am on Monday morning and thuds begin on our rooftop.

I hear footsteps and the clanging of ladders against our gutters.

For a moment, I forget that our landlord scheduled our roof to be replaced and I gasp, thinking we forgot to pay our taxes and the feds are about to crash through the skylights to collect their money.

I groan, get dressed and get out of the house. The next two days there are a half-dozen guys in our yard and on our roof making a racket and scaring the living hell our of the poor dogs.

The roof has now been replaced, for which I'm grateful, but they left a mess. Shingles in the bushes, McDonald's bags in the yard and nails scattered across our walkways.

This morning as I cleaned up after them, I whispered to myself:

Why did they do this to me?

If you're anything like me, you ask yourself that question a lot.

Perhaps a coworker or client responds to your cheery email with a curt one-sentence reply. You're shocked at their incivility. They didn't even say, "I hope this finds you well..." you think to yourself.

A car cuts you off on the road and you imagine how they must've spotted you two lights ago and said to themselves, "I think I'm going to invade their lane today without using a blinker."

Or a family member forgets to respond to your text message about summer plans and you wonder if they even care about you at all.

Not everyone navigates life this way - but some of us do. Some of us find ourselves constantly offended by the world going on around us. We wonder why it seems everyone is going about their business without considering our preferences.

The thing I'm having to constantly remind myself is this:

Everyone is going about their business without considering my preferences.

Not for nefarious reasons - but because, they too, are trying to survive the day.

When I find myself offended by the actions or inactions of others, I'm learning that what's really happening is, deep down, I feel like I must not be worth their consideration. So now, not only am I rubbed the wrong way by their behavior, but I can unconsciously slip into a spiral of believing that they don't value me. I return to an unhelpful belief that I'm insignificant or inferior.

This is why offense is taken.

Because I've mistakenly believed their actions are a referendum on my worth.

Which, objectively, is not true.

It sure would be nice if everyone held the same convictions we held, wouldn't it? I'd like it if everyone I ever encountered subscribed to the rules of interaction I've settled on.

But pining for a future where everyone tiptoes around my preferences is about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

As with most of our work, it is we who must change to meet the circumstances of our lives - not the other way around.

And, if you're like me, this means confronting the lie that you're not worthy of respect. It means we stop believing the actions of others are intentionally meant to harm us.

Certainly there are exceptions to this. Every once in a while someone truly means to antagonize. But if we're honest with ourselves, most of the time offense is taken when it's not intended.

Our lives could be a little smoother if we believed we were neither inferior nor superior to anyone else. We're just regular people colliding with other regular people who are trying to get what they think they need to survive the day.

It's amazing how quickly we can forget someone's slight against us when we choose to give them the benefit of a doubt. Acceptance of the world as it is and awareness of our tendency to vilify others might just present us with some more peace and freedom.