I Told My Doctor I'm Lonely

I went to the doctor this week for my annual checkup. During pre-screening the nurse asked: "Do you ever have feelings of loneliness?"

Absolutely, I said without hesitation.

She paused and looked at me as if to indicate she wished I’d explain further. Like she needed to hear someone else say it today. For a second it seemed she might tell me she was lonely as well, but the timing wasn't right. After a moment she looked back at the computer and, I assume, checked whichever box indicated my loneliness.

Later when my doctor was in the room he joked: "Really, you're lonely? But, like, nothing we need to be worried about, right?"

I said I was no danger to myself or others. This allowed him to uncheck the loneliness box so they could say the problem was resolved. I got a flu shot and went on my way, thinking about loneliness.

It's easy to be confused by loneliness, considering the seemingly simple solution: If you're lonely, go be with people. Join a club, talk to your neighbor, ask someone a question at the grocery store.

Yet that doesn't seem to address the real issue.

We are more connected than ever before and there are more people than ever before - so interaction and population density don't seem to be helping very much.

What, then, is happening inside of us to trigger such feelings of isolation?

Perhaps we might consider the following:

Awkwardness

In my work with young people, awkwardness is the most common opposition I hear to real human connection. Some high schoolers I coach have friendships with people over Snapchat, but avoid in-person interactions at school because it's awkward. College student leaders I coach can't make eye contact or ask meaningful questions. We're out of practice when it comes to interacting with one another - so things are perceived awkward. The good news is this - playing well with others is a muscle we can build.

Fear of Intimacy

Many of us are afraid of telling people how we really feel and connecting at a level beyond the what's-new-with-you? banter. Either we don't want to share something intimate about our own lives or we sure as hell don't want someone else to dump their feelings on us. What are we supposed to do with those feelings? Better to avoid a deeper connection than find oneself trying to handle a more meaningful conversation with all thumbs. Let's make this easier for everyone and skip the feelings stuff.

An Obsession With Doing

A mentor of mine recalls how his grandmother said canasta was invented so we had something to do with each other - because we sure have a hard time being with each other. Doing gives us concrete, measurable and finite ways of interacting. Being, however, is more fluid, random and bottomless. Living in a world which values predictability and efficiency, being together becomes more difficult when doing together makes so much more sense. Loneliness hides in plain sight amidst those who do things together in order to avoid being with one another.

Selfishness

Community requires commitment. When we're committed to a tribe we're on call. I've been guilty before of exclaiming: Why should I give someone a ride to the airport? It's 2019 - they can get an Uber! Perhaps giving someone a ride to the airport or helping them move isn't about whether or not they could have ordered their own ride or afforded movers. Maybe it's about the idea we humans need excuses to be with one another. When we can get out of our own way, we can see the needs of others as an opportunity to connect.

Ego

If we're too selfish to offer help, we hate asking for it even more. What might it say about me if I indicate I need assistance? - we wonder. We disguise our ego by convincing ourselves we don't want to be a burden to anyone, but we all know what this is really about - we don't want to show weakness or feel like we owe someone something. We would rather do things alone and navigate difficulty in solitude than open the door for assistance or guidance.

Self-Acceptance

Our ego is most often rooted in our desire to protect ourselves from whatever pain we fear exists in the world. Most of our fear of intimacy has to do with the greater fear we’re not going to be accepted when others see who we really are. We fear we won’t be accepted by others because we’ve never experienced what it feels like to accept by ourselves. So we continue to avoid seeing and loving ourselves for who we really are, and as a result remain isolated from connection with others.

The broad statement is this:

The things we want most deeply — like connection and belonging — are overshadowed by false necessities like control and self-preservation.

To alleviate loneliness in our own lives we must realize we're cutting off our noses to spite our faces when we avoid our own inner work, refuse to ask for help, sidestep messy conversations or choose busyness over real connection.

As a people we might fare better by practicing interaction without expectation. Maybe we're simply meant to be together and it stops there. Perhaps the only reason we're all here is to figure out how to be with one another in more real and meaningful ways.

The antidote to loneliness, then, is not to be more connected or more surrounded. In fact, it's not about being more of anything at all.

It is simply about being with.